Friday July 16th.
I feel as though I am a god. This lack of consumption combined with my 18:6 fasting streak is starting to ramp up my euphoria. I have no more to say.
Best regards, Lux.
Thursday July 15th.
It has been a long time since I've updated. This has several reasons. I lost access to my laptop for a few days, couldn't really track/weigh in for one day and am currently still in pain. I've been fasting to compensate for my inability to exercise because of the wounds on my legs still hurting like hell. Don't actually know if anything's happening because of said fasting though, and I just hope I'll trudge through without gaining weight until I can bike again. Don't know when the fuck that'll happen but I'm hoping it's soon. I've just been maintaining at 53.7 and it's starting to play on my nerves.
Not much else to write. Yesterday's entry was more interesting.
Best regards, Lux.
Monday July 12th.
Perhaps I am not as incompetent as I thought I was. It appears yesterday's desperate journal entry was not written in vain, and my efforts may have paid off. My CW is now 53.6, making it my new LW. My excitement from this morning has worn off and I am now just wanting to get to my next GW, howeverlong it may take. Today's dinner felt like just looking at it gave me diabetes so I genuinely think I just ruined all my progress by eating it. Regret runs rampant where pride lost its reign.
Fun part of journal entry over. I must now inform you of the... Accident? Predicament? Whatever the fuck it is I got into. While exercising (in this case biking) I wanted to ride onto the sidewalk on a downwards slope. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. Bike slid away under me and I kept going the same direction I intended to go. Slid my face across the pavement chin-first and scraped my knees to absolute hell. Had to just crouch on the ground for a minute to try to process what the fuck happened, then the pain set in and I decided I needed to pick my bike back up. I did so, and this group of girls came up to me asking if I was alright and if they should help me get home. They noted I was "covered in blood"- no shit. It literally ran down my left leg and dripped down my face.
I politely declined their offers to help me get back home and just jumped back on my bike to take myself home. Naturally there was a lot of shock from my family members, but I didn't pay much attention to their reactions. Just wanted to shower the blood off, dress my wounds and get going with my evening. So that's what I did. Not much else to it.
An unwanted side effect of having sustained several deep gashes all over your body is the inability to walk or lay down or sit or do fucking anything comfortably, which means I won't be able to weigh in or especially exercise for a while. It feels like shit to have to think about it like that because I was just doing good with losing weight. Universe has to nerf me every single fucking time.
Hopefully I'll feel less shit by tomorrow.
Best regards, Lux.
Sunday July 11th.
This morning I weighed in at my second lowest weight in relapse thus far. I'm more mortified than I hoped I'd be, even though there is also a level of excitement. I want to weigh less tomorrow. I want to be 53.x on Wednesday. I want to be able to stop writing 54.x. I want to stop needing to complain about gaining weight. I want to be skinny.
Those are the more rational things I've been thinking today to a degree. The more irrational ones have been saved in my search history forever.
Context: my excoriation disorder occasionally makes me consume my own skin. Fun. Lovely.
That aside there is once again not much else for me to share. Just that anxiety. I'll probably weigh more tomorrow and hate myself but I, as always, felt like complaining.
Best regards, Lux.
Saturday July 10th.
Didn't do much today. Don't think I did; I barely remember anything that happened today. I know I tracked because I can read that page and know it's accurate but I just don't remember writing any of those words. Wish I knew what's making my memory act up. Could be meds, could be mental health, could be something else. Who knows.
Anyway. Basic recap of what I do remember: Sipped Monster as planned. Overate by consuming dinner past feeling full. Baked a cake. Had piece of cake and it was really fucking good but obviously calorie-dense. Didn't exercise enough.
That is all for tonight. I'm tired and loopy and nothing has happened and I dread weighing in tomorrow.
Best regards, Lux.
Friday July 9th.
There's once again not much time for me to write today since I'm tired and want to go to bed. I will still give a brief recap of what I did today because I owe you an explanation for all the horrible mistakes I made.
First of all, mother dearest dragged me along to go to town again. In an attempt to look normal I naturally purchased a thing of Jaffa cakes (favorite food + safe food, generally not that risky), a can of Arizona lemonade and a six-pack of Mogu Mogu. I'm planning to use the latter to function as meal substitutes since they're relatively low cal (157cal per bottle) and satisfy the desire for sweet, chewy, liquid and fun-texture-to-swallow-y things all at once. These purchases wouldn't have been much of a problem (could of course have saved them to consume in a more spread out way over time) but I am fucking stupid so I stopped caring. I got home, put all my stuff away and then immediately consumed like three things I really didn't need to consume. Dinner wasn't all too light either and I stuffed my face with a cookie a bit after. Needless to say I am not pleased with myself.
I'm planning to just sip on a Monster until dinner tomorrow if I can manage- I better be able to, since I'm not going to allow myself anything else. I will suffer the consequences for the bullshit I pulled today. It's only fair. Plus I feel like the 200-or-so calories of a Monster is already a very generous allowance considering how much I overate today. Egh.
Something that's also been on my mind is an array of those ED mantras. "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.", "Skip dinner, wake up thinner.", "Feet together, thighs apart, the collarbone is where we start, count the ribs and feel the hips, that's how you know a skinny bitch.". They keep sing-song looping around my head like a broken record doomed to haunt the player it started to melt and seep into. I don't really stop them, though, because they're the most entertaining thing to keep me company in the silence of my room that isn't self-loathing. Of course I could just play music but I've listened to everything I like on repeat so much I've burnt out on it. Speaking of which, I've been thinking about adding a music-related page. I've been picking up inspiration from the lovely Romance's recently created site, which I feel you should check out. We're quite similar in ED habits, mostly since a lot of his knowledge comes from me, but he's a little more covert about it. We've been looking for opportunities to spend more time together to engage in our destructive little habits together. We've gone on "let's invade the local mall and buy safe foods and calorie count everything" trips before, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not yearning to do so again. I love spending time with him.
God that was a lot of unrelated rambling. I still need to go to bed... it seems I ended up writing more than intended anyway. Hope it satisfies.
Best regards, Lux.
Wednesday July 7th.
I have not been good at keeping up with this site in the slightest. The moment life becomes even slightly hectic it seems I just retreat off the internet despite the fact it constantly nags and grinds its teeth against the inside of my skull. I don't have much of substance to write either, since everything has just been the same routine of "I ate too much and didn't track holy shit I am a fat fuck" and similar levels of self-loathing expressed in various arrays of thought. I do not wish to bore you with any more of the hatred I covet for my flesh prison.
That being said I will now briefly do so anyway, in a more relevant manner. I weigh .3 KG more than I did last week and I am absolutely horrified. That's progress I could've made but didn't. I could've been closer to my second GW and yet here I am writing about how horribly I did instead. I always lament to myself how much I want to see 53.9 but then I do this shit. Horrible. Absolutely disgusting. Today I'll try to make an improvement on how I've been handling myself.
"Later-in-the-day"-Lux reporting in; that worked decently. Went out to the city and bought a pocket knife (more decorative than useful, unless I relapse into SH- been clean for a bit) and had tea. The latter was somewhat scary but I just shut off my logical thought processes and went with it anyway. Wasn't too high cal either in comparison to other kinds of drink, so I suppose I shouldn't feel too bad. I've still been dreading updating stats which is less ideal but I need to do so. I hope you won't mind my embarrassing setback.
Later in the day I ended up exercising for a little while and then heading back home. Today's the first day I've actually been hungry to a degree again, and at the current moment (11:40 PM) I feel satisfyingly starved. Despite what I silently predicted during this morning's self-loathing gospel, today has been worthwhile.
Best regards, Lux.
[Reviewing written entry. May post later.]
Friday July 2nd.
So. Yesterday wasn't very good. I had decent control of what I decided to shove into my face until about 4 PM, then it went downhill. My mother decided to be very kind and motherly by serving me a very nice dessert-type thing. Me being me, I waited for her to leave so I could have half a mental breakdown, pick it apart and consume it however my ED wished, and then exercise for the next 300 years. I only managed the first two until some personal shit got in the way and BPD immediately kicked my ass into the -62nd dimension. I won't elaborate too much to save you your precious time, since I believe my personal matters are relatively mundane and unimportant. Long story short, though, I would like to die a little sooner than I otherwise would. Doesn't say much but it satisfies my subtle desire to say something about it.
I will now take my customary melodramatic tea sip before I write about ED-centric life stuff.
As you may have read in stats, I am still under my first goal weight. A problem with that is that I feel like I could've done better. I'm not satisfied with where I currently stand weight-wise in the slightest. I was excited enough to see these numbers before, but now I'm just... disappointed. From Tuesday to today my weight has varied, and now I'm back where I started. 54.4 > 54.5 > 54.0 > 54.4, the last number being what I weighed in at this morning. Knowing I gained .4 overnight makes me want to pull all my hair out. Then again, maybe if I lose more weight my body will do it for me, so I'm not indulging in that neuroticism just yet. Speaking of, how much weight would I lose if I just cut my hair? Wouldn't be real weight, but...
Enough of that.
As a consequence of yesterday's fuckup I've been liquid fasting today. I'm almost 24 hours in, and I'll have to break my fast for dinner but at least I'll have justified 1/4 of yesterday. I'm probably going to liquid fast a lot next week as well, both because of Yesterday(tm) and the fact mother dearest wants to take me out to the city tomorrow which means needing to consume things in front of her. I love her but her insistence on me eating scares me. Maybe I'll be okay.
Status update re: liquid fast, that was a good idea because merely needing to finish dinner nearly put me over my calorie limit. Hate it here.
After a walk, a brief trip to the store to acquire safe foods and a room-cleaning session, I feel slightly better about myself. Definitely an upgrade in comparison to yesterday, even if I didn't manage to exercise as much as I'd have liked to today. Tomorrow's still intimidating, but I'll cope.
Best regards, Lux.
Thursday July 1st.
I feel decently nourished and disgusting. Goodnight.
Tuesday June 29th.
Quick pre-class entry:
I'm both a nervous wreck and elated this morning (time of writing is 9:38 AM), for several reasons each. I'm really fucking sore after yesterday because I'm obviously not nourished enough to heal quickly, but I'm hopeful to an extent weight-wise. I only note down my weight on Wednesdays but I couldn't help checking these past two days because I'm impatient. Turns out, if the scale isn't lying to me, I'm under my first GW (scale says 54.4KG/119LBS). It'd also mean I lost 2KG/4LBS in a single week. The internet has told me that's not the healthiest thing ever, so I should be on the right track. If I manage to still be under my GW on Wednesday, I can start to work towards getting to 50KG/110LBS. Can't fucking wait, honestly- I wonder how differently I'll feel or look by then. Most of the pants I usually wear fall off of me now anyway, even if I fit them perfectly or they were too small months ago near my SW. Need to relearn how to sew, I think. I'm also noticing some mild differences in my face, especially the fact I can actually trace along my cheekbones again now to a certain point. My success has me sinfully motivated to keep depriving myself of everything.
I will write later for I must bike myself to school with my sore legs.
Best regards, Lux.
Monday June 28th.
I've been back home from hiking for about 20 minutes as of the writing of this message. I think I hiked so long I burned around 1200 or so calories, and it was pretty nice. Less nice part was when I left my key on a bench somewhere along the trail and only found out when I got back to my bike to get home. Hiked back for another hour to go get it though, so not all is lost. Burned more calories that way anyway, so I'm not entirely regretful. In all honesty, I'm impressed with myself, narcissistic as that sounds.
I'm naturally very tired though so this is all I can really muster to write. Not much else interesting anyway. Gonna shower and head to bed, will write tomorrow.
Best regards, Lux.
Sunday June 27th.
Started this morning off relatively well. Woke up around 10 AM, took my meds, ate breakfast at 12:40. Had a breakfast I've been really wanting to have for a while; half a cookie thing for 118cal and two pieces of candy for 34cal. It's naturally not the healthiest or most sustainable, but it didn't leave me hungry and it quenched my desire for both of the items involved. I seem to have something of a desire to taste something sweet, so I'll probably have one of my sweeter safe foods later for 67cal, then distract myself until dinner. Upon my inquiry as to what she'd stuff in my face, my mother proceeded to answer with one of my fear foods. Needless to say I am not pleased. Going to have half or so and then exercise until I drop dead. (By the way, were you aware playing guitar standing for an hour burns a little under 170cal? I sure wasn't, but I'm going to take advantage of that to high hell.)
Yesterday I planned all my breakfasts for the next week or so, and gave myself certain amounts of caloric allowance until dinner depending on the amount of calories. It's all more than I'm used to, but school has decided to place its test week in the middle of my relapse and I wish to focus at least a little. Speaking of school, I wonder how close I'll be to my GW by next schoolyear. I have until September 23rd or so to get there, so here's to hoping something happens. I also wonder if my skinny friend has noticed anything about me looking different. My face definitely looks slimmer (blaming that on the missing 7KG/15LBS) and I feel like my collarbones have slowly started to show more again. I'm quite content with the way I look from the shoulders-or-so up now, though I still can't wait for my cheekbones to become more visible and make me look like a corpse. Doubt that'll happen as quickly as I want it to, no matter how much I desire that dead look. At that point people might just start getting concerned again... Delightful.
That is all for now, folks.
Best regards, Lux.
Saturday June 26th.
I feel a little better today than I did yesterday. Ended up having a pathetic little breakdown and exercising less than I would've wanted to after I got home yesterday.
I caved into my curiosity and decided to download the hellscape of an app that is MyFitnessPal. It feels like ED culture if it were condensed into a little app for you to use, honestly. Entered my statistics, added what I ate today and immediately got told it wasn't enough and it wouldn't post social updates or give projections for how much weight I'd lose. Lovely. In a way it actually is lovely, though- beyond the obvious sarcasm in that first statement of the word, being told I eat way too little is actually quite validating, and I like being told I'm sick enough. I enjoy being noticed, even if by an app nobody else around me in real life will see.
Today was very uneventful otherwise. My weekends always are, though they buy me a lot of time to plan meals or think of all kinds of whimsical combinations of nourishment. Speaking of which, I've discovered that I can very vividly imagine things I want to eat (thanks synesthesia) and it'll actually satisfy me for a bit. It's like being able to secretly binge on anything I want without the physical effects. If anything I'd be losing weight, because I need to be moving or fidgeting in some way to think properly. That part might just be the ADD.
As I said before, uneventful weekend days ahead. Not much else to write today. Hope this suffices to some extent.
Best regards, Lux.
Friday June 25th.
Since writing any of the other entries on this page, my mental health has taken a literal crash down to what feels like the Mariana's trench. Relapsed back into heavily self-harming and somehow managed to not get caught- still don't know how. Maybe I have been caught and just don't know it yet. As I sit here in this little communal building writing this post, it's been 40 minutes since I had to put an acute stop to a mental breakdown I was about to have before leaving past the time I was supposed to be here. There are dark circles under my irritated eyes and several parts of the hoodie I was wearing are stained with dried tears and mucus. A lovely sight. Of course I feel a little less mentally wrecked than I did before leaving but the visual remnants linger.
As for ED updates, I was forced to eat more normally on a trip last weekend with family. God how I wanted to resist. I scarfed everything down like a hungry animal; a botched attempt at trying to make the whole consumption process last as short as possible. I wouldn't be surprised if I just looked greedy and/or gluttonous instead. Of course, as of last Wednesday (so two days ago) I weigh exactly 1KG/2LBS more and I feel repulsive. There's always that chance of it just being water weight or muscle but it's just so horrible to think other people might be able to see how different I look. Obsessively body checking barely lead me to any physical differences, but I can't help but think that that's just my mind blocking it out, trying to get me to starve my body less. I loathe how pathetic it can be sometimes when I least need it to.
My diet has also been zig-zagging recently. I restrict decently and do well enough one day and then immediately end up failing the other. I don't know why that happens, honestly. Maybe it's timing, maybe it's subconscious, maybe I'm just not sick enough. Either way I feel like it's something I should really try to work on before I start to ingest toxic amounts of sustenance every single day. Sure I'd still be at a deficit considering the amount I probably should be having in a day but I can't put myself through that. My body should learn how to feed itself off of what I give it and stop being greedy.
Not quite sure what else to write at the moment. Not in an optimal headspace to write anything about myself anyway. Will get back to this tomorrow.
Best regards, Lux.
Tuesday June 15th.
I suppose I never did get to updating that other entry. How repulsive of me.
Monday June 14th.
And here we are again, at square one. A new week, a new weight, a mid-air restart. It feels good to be over last week. I'm honestly really dissatisfied with how I ended up doing and I'm nervous about whether or not I'll have lost enough weight. I'm not even expecting much of myself, I just want to be below 55/121. That's all I ask. Once I have that done I can start thinking more seriously about 50/110. I wonder if it'd start getting noticeable at that point. It'd be 13/28 down, and surely it'd make a difference in appearance. I shouldn't dwell on it yet, though. Shouldn't get ahead of myself.
Gonna try to stick to better plans this week, since last week went miserably. I felt healthy on the days I just let myself go and that makes me violently uncomfortable. The only times I ever voluntarily want to eat that much ever again until recovery is if an injury just won't go away and I need to heal it. It's disgusting. I hate the thought of purging, but those days genuinely made me consider it, if only for a short window of time- and I was still at a deficit to the recommended amount. I just hope I got rid of enough of it by exercising. Speaking of which, my legs don't hurt as much anymore. As of right now (9:22/0614-21) I'm also nearly 48 hours clean self-harm-wise, so that also lessens the general pain level. Not much else has changed in mental illnessville, so that's all on that regard. Anxious for Wednesday.
Will update later. Currently distracted by the desire to actually work on my art skills.
Thursday June 10th.
Legs hurt like absolute hell. Most of me does, but my legs feel the worst. I'm well aware overexercise and light starvation is a shitty combination but I've somehow never managed to feel this horrid. Probably doesn't help that I absolutely couldn't resist gashing open my leg again. Cutting pain isn't like this, though. This is purely the strain of the past few days catching up, and therefore I've decided to depressingly take a break from deficits like Monday's/Wednesday's, even if they make me feel like god. Tuesday really fucked with my motivation as well and I honestly have to admit I still feel fucking disgusting from the amount I accidentally ate that day. Next week, though, I'll try to restrict properly again starting Monday. I honestly hope eating normally hasn't given me mild refeeding syndrome or fucked up my progress. Currently close to my first GW of four, so if I fuck this up my body will pay the price, be it through fasting, cutting or anything else. The melodies chant-sung by 55-50-45-40 still swirl around my head like cigarette smoke. Someday, someday...
I feel like I should also clarify the "schedule"/rules I run on. I usually restrict during weekdays and let my guard down a little during the weekends depending on my mental state. It's embarrassing to track those days so I tend to ignore my site during them but if I can I'll still try to keep up.
When not restricting I try to stay around 1,500 calories, and when restricting I try to stay under/around 1,000. I try to exercise ~50-100 extra calories off on rest days and anywhere between 300-500 on regular days. I note down my CW as it changes (or doesn't) every Wednesday but usually obsessively weigh myself throughout the week as well anyway. I count liquid sustenance as somewhat less valuable/terrifying as solid foods and let myself rely on them more. My major safe foods are Advocaat taffy and two kinds of fruit juice, which I hesitate less on consuming. Weird, I know.
As for non-ED and other mental health stuff, I've had my ups and downs this week like any other. My lows might've been a bit lower but that's alright. Insomnia has also decided to rear its ugly head at me again, and it's not looking away. It's been waking me up whenever it pleases and struggling against my will to sleep. Of course I still try my best- what else can I do, really- but the boredom of going to sleep tends to be more than my ADD wants to deal with. It's also my birthday in 8 days, so just over a week from now. Don't know what to expect, really. I've never enjoyed celebrating it much and ever since I turned 10 eons ago my birthdays just haven't been fun. Is that an edgy thing to say? Probably. So be it, though. I do not care.
If anything, I hope I can afford a new guitar or possibly a bass with any money I may or may not receive. Maybe my dad will send me 150 bucks again in an attempt to rid himself of the guilt he's collected from not paying child support. Maybe he won't. Would be pretty pleasant if he did. I saw a really sweet couple guitars at the local store not too long ago anyway, so if he does decide to finally compensate for my existence with .04% of his monthly logistics manager salary I'm all set... also need to buy more strings. And picks. And possibly several pedals and a new amp. And an adapter plug. And
That's all for now, though. I don't have much more on my mind to go on about, and I doubt you'd want to be subjected to it anymore anyway. I'm starting to cease making sense and it's probably best if I call it quits here.
Best regards, Lux.